Dieting is bad for your health

I am currently in the midst of squeezing every Filipino word to get my script right... if I could start one now.

Just one thing is bothering me. My stomach hurts.

I've started dieting due to the fact that being flabby makes me feel sloppy. So I started scolding myself for being too lax, too lazy, and to comfortable as how things are happening.

Not anymore.

I've decided to put up a bet with one of my officemate, swearing to my heart and soul, that I will be true to my word.

Upon winning this The Best Loser competition, three tickets to Enchanted Kingdom will fall on my palms. Plus 2k pocket money. Guess who's I'm inviting over? Haha

If I ever fail to my godforsaken plan, I am bound to buy a 5k-worth of remote control helicopter the size of a big camera, the one used for news here in our office.

However, the thing is I'm getting even more irritated. My visitor's finally come and I'm just hungry.

And nothing's pouring in my mind other than stuffing food on my stomach.

*sigh*

I will eat. Now.

The line between the learned, the ignorant, and the fool

Uniforms are mute.

Despite the unwritten belief that it speaks of a person's background - where he works, where he studies - it is without a tongue to tell you of a person's character.

And while people grow with diploma on their heads, and goals on their hearts, it seems there are things still left out in the process, things a person can learn while reaching for it.

Values that seemed to be taken for granted.

(1)

Days ago, I was riding a jeep, trying to hurry up before the people in our office could leave. Well, not that they'd leave that sooner than I expected.

I was a bit caught up and annoyed with being jammed in traffic on a Friday evening, when I realized that the jeep had stopped and a guy got in, his ear on his phone. He was talking about exams or something. He was way shorter than me, thick glasses on the bridge of his nose, wearing checkered polo, jeans, and a large backpack. He even had a dictionary pocket book-size opened on his backpack, which was on his lap.

Soon, he became silent and submerged in his pocket book. I couldn't make a jack out of it. Too dim light. And my vision had gotten a bit fuzzier than before (Nope, I'm still ruling out glasses.)

Just as my mind was to turn inward, I noticed an old lady held out her hand for her jeep fare.

"Paki-abot po..."

It was on the nerdy guy's reach. The nerd was still busy poring over his notes. Was he cramming for a late friday night exams, I would never know.

"Bayad po..."

Poor eyesight. Deaf ears. It seems the new age for society has fully-developed an illness that clearly manifests nowadays - apathy. Or I am just exaggerating. Nonetheless, I was pissed.

So I moved, and stretched far enough to take the fair and passed it along the driver. I waited for the return and promptly reached it over to the old lady.

No reaction from the cramming student.

Later, an old man got on and reached out his fare on the other side.

"Pakisuyo po, diyan lang sa may delta."

Directly across me is a two-year old kid on her mother's lap. There were three more people, burlier, much leaner people who could've taken that pay at first mention. But it was the two year old who willingly opened his little palm and passed it along. He also anticipated the change and caught the money back into his two little palms, closed it to one hand trying to handle that much in one, before passing it back to the owner.

I looked at the nerd at the corner of my eye, burrowed in his thoughts, in his academical world, in his value-ridden walls, still poring on his little dictionary.

He reminded me of who I was back then. Life ridden by studies and making the grade.

This makes me a little thankful that I've gotten out of my comfort zone. It makes me see simpler actions that in reality means much more. Trivial things that may define you better than what bigger things can.

(2)

The weather forecast predicted light shower on one Tuesday afternoon. So dutifully, I brought my umbrella in the morning. The jeep I was riding was just turning on the curve towards Trinoma Mall Terminal when the umbrella I was holding at that time, fell out into the middle of the street.

I reacted immediately. I signaled the jeep driver that I was getting down. As I whipped around to look at my umbrella, hoping it's not being rundown by drivers, I saw a van stopped in the middle of the street. An old woman, probably on her way to 50's, jumped out of the van, and hurried to where my umbrella was lying to. She picked it up.

Glad, I waved my hand. But she didn't see it. No, that's wrong. She totally IGNORED it. Because as soon as she has gotten a hold of my umbrella, she jumped back inside the van, and it drove off to nowhere, without stopping where I was.

It was really unbelievable. The MMDA who witnessed it from the beginning, was unable to react, except for a devious smile that seems to say, "Ay,, wala na. Kinuha na nila."

Clearly, there was something wrong with the way the world goes. Then again, it proves that there are some unexpected turnabouts that we can't just foresee.

Like this one time, I was on my way home. It was around the bloom of February. We have just gone from somewhere, and ended up taking the Laong Laan route to home.

I rode beside the driver. I got off at my stop, but not without a second call from him.

I removed my earphones as he motioned towards the seat next to him.

"Sa'yo ba to?" He asked, presenting me my newly bought phone. White Nokia C5 version. It seemed it had slipped from my jacket pocket. My face was instantly filled with relief and he smiled. I profusely thanked the driver before he drove off.

I guess one of the things that contribute to values is simplicity, which is kind of hard just thinking on how we are constantly bombarded with commercials saying what we need and what we want. And most of the time, the line between them just disappears.

With people who are in the position, who are in uniform, we expect something more, since they know a lot more. But time and again, it proves us wrong.

However it feels good knowing that the goodness within a person exists in the littlest of little help they can do to strangers.

Especially if it comes from the person we least expect it.

fleeting feelings during blank days...

I blow one wish to a feather.

The wind picked it up and carried my whisper.

I don't know for how long the air played with it.

Tossing and turning. Thru and fro.

But the wish still escapes my lips

To deaf ears. To my own ears. To yours.

Scrolling the list of names on my phone

Each name associated with their own character

Each memory letting me pause to consider

To strike a conversation by three in the morn

Reach out, poke them out of their dreams

Listen. Listen to the whisper.

To a wish blown to a feather.

Burnouts and Ignitions

Three weeks, and finally my hands are on my keyboard, typing without a worry in the world -- except that it's my turn to wash the undies tonight.

Oh, I miss the trivial things.

(I'll be watching CSI Season 6 and Coffee House after this! :D)

Airing for three weeks means I aired one story a week. It only means I'm toeing the line between workaholic and suicidal mode. That comprised the story of my whole month. With all the discoveries of who I am and what I can do, and who are the people around me, what kind of world I've been shielded from when I was young, and what to expect and not-expect from the people around me.

The Expected

Difficulties. Wide-ranged difficulties that really put my "diskarte" to test. To start, I'm still on the beginning mode for diskarte. But I did what I could, and everything, just everything came rushing like a truck crashing against a motorcycle swerving in and out of Mindanao Avenue, apparently drunk; everything came like a wide-ranged blackout and we were four hours away from dubbing out; everything poured like it could not wait for tomorrow.

I expected to meet wide variety of people. I expected to go to places I haven't been before. I expected to strengthen my bond with my co-workers and friends at work.

I expected to... well I guess I also hoped to be loved by someone as I love him. Not gonna happen soon I guess.

The Unexpected

I came to meet story-tellers. I met a user that almost cost me my reputation and that of my work. I experienced being helplessness despite the willingness to help. I feared for my life. I feared for my crew's lives. I feared the story will not end. I was overwhelmed by the eminent feeling of authority and power working against our agenda.

I was saddened with reality.

I came to meet people who do wrong things like they were routine. They knew it was wrong. But it has come to pass like an heirloom or tradition. Thus what was wrong has come to be right all along. I cannot fathom how they can handle ignorance as a tool to shield themselves. Because ignorance can be cured by initiative. By asking what is wrong. And by thinking what can be done to be right again.

They defend themselves like they were right. They feared the obvious consequence which they have seen a long time ago but came to forget because they became careless with their comfortability on what is wrong. And they churn their faces into misery, spouting words like they didn't knew, and that now their family would also suffer from what has happened. From what I have done.

I came to meet a user that also put my ignorance to shame. He knew something I did not. And thus used it against me. When the traps were down and the evils cornered, the result of my ignorance also got cornered. I had to do everything, catch every words of sermon, embed to mind the mistake I have done. It was painful to take everything in and not lot others receive the consequences. Especially those that weren't meant for me. But I guess I just had to be man enough to do so. Mainly because I was the root of it.

I came to meet authority at its worst case. PNP is already down as of the moment due to the hostage started by Mendoza. And everyone was trying to heal the wounds to that, to the extent that some can be defensive instead of trying to find out what's wrong. The second and third week I dealt with abuse of power that led to the death of an innocent man.

Maybe this innocent man was doing something wrong due to the place where he died. The place which was rampant with drugs. But then again, it was wrong for authority to run away when the man was seriously hurt, with or without wearing their badge or their gun.

On a lighter note, part of this unexpected incidents is my chance to write them, as I've always been dreaming to do - to write. I was officially given the key to a higher position, but still would be under training. Well good luck to that.

I still hold a doubt on my capability regarding this responsibility. Because a mistake can cost a man his life and his reputation, the company I work in, the people I've come to respect and care, and my conscience.

I don't know how long I will last with the kind of job I chose to work in right now. But I'm still working on it.

New Friends and New Foes

On the other side of the story, the people I'm working with are also evolving according to the growth of their co-workers like me. I am coming to understand the stress of my EP. Our Sr. SP-promoted-to-AP has calmed down from her terror image, trying to practice guidance rather than terrorizing underlings when we make mistakes. Which I think is much helpful and made me realize her passion for the job.

I find myself becoming confident as I openly discussed my worries to my heads about the story I am working with, no longer trying to do it myself since that is much worthless. I came to understand the meaning of teamwork and cooperation. I am happy with that.

However, some of my favorite people are becoming too lax, to the point of biting back/insulting/preferring other co-workers because they are not in terms with the current co-worker. Which is not good because each has their own personalities and characteristics that will not always coincide with one's beliefs. One can only consider as long as no one toes the line beyond business.

I hope we can correct this on time. Because the bond we've made is something that is already irrevocable. And I'd like to stay friendly with them because I like them.

Overshoot

One of my favorite people blamed me for a matter because I did not tell him the status of that case. I did not tattle tale because I respect privacy especially when it comes to relationships. I do not tell anybody that this and that is having an affair until they decide to announce it as official.

I was infuriated, as I was left to settle with the feelings he left me. I could not come myself to apologize and yet I couldn't get angry as he sported that misery face.

I was totally humiliated and angry for making me feel like I should have been his brother's keeper. I've got the world on my shoulder at that time and I was trying to live through it and he had to come up with a ridiculous idea to relieve himself of it. I am easily a sympathetic person so there was no need to dump shit. I could've said something much comforting and reasonable but you had to clump my mouth with blame. I felt like a friend who didn't care a shit about things.

Keep your shit to yourself and remember you are not your brother. His actions are not yours. You were born separately to live separately. You can only guide your brother. Your parents can only guide your brother. He will choose how to live it. That's the way lives come and go.

That's why God doesn't appear to us physically and make us redo our past. He can only guide us to where WE CHOOSE to go. He doesn't set up obstacles we can't overcome.

He made that obstacle. It's up to him to overcome it. Not you. You can't always be the deus ex machina that oversees things and, when things get complicated, you stoop down and untie the knot. That's enough.

Enough blaming. ENOUGH.

A new life is coming. So go with the flow. The consequences will come at him and not at you.

Long time...

Everyone seems so busy nowadays, huh?

And I'm not exactly the one to talk. I guess I can say I'm having fun being where I am now, being a part of a group who are striving to help people.

Tough, yeah. I, too, thought that this would be tough from the very beginning since it was never part of my plan to be where I'm now. But it's cool to think that I've been searching for this thrill way back when I started reading detective and mystery stories. It just never occurred to me that I'll be, somehow, be involved with complainants, suspects, and operatives.

I've even received comments such as, "ba't hindi ka nag-police?"

Maybe in another lifetime.

Getting matured seems like a painful process at this age. Blending is another matter. Being yourself is difficult, since you're pulled to different waves of personalities that you have to get along with. Well, for me it's 'have to' since I'm fumbling for ways to keep up with this kind of life. But I'm also wondering if it's the same process if I applied to another job less stressful than what I have now.

So far, I've progressed to being useful. Haha. Seems like a simple thing. But then, as I go on, the drive gradually grows and I found myself willing to go on overnights just to accomplish one project before I go on with others. I just hope I can keep up with the technical part so that I can swerve smoothly around that block. I don't like stop overs too much. Like others, I also want to flow to move swiftly.

And also I'm aiming to one part of my job. That's to write a script. :) haha. Well, before I get there, there seems to be much things I should discover before I can even say script. But I hope that these boxes of mistakes so huge and numerous it's impossible to think I graduated from a prestigious school, would pay off soon.

I really like accomplishing a task. I just need time. But time won't be forgiving anymore. So I'm relying on you, self, skill, and luck. :)

Past time. I've bought myself a book by Haruki Murakami. But I haven't even lift one page, for goodness sake. I miss reading without thinking I have something to do later. Bum life.

It's also hard looking for myself this past few days. I haven't even bought myself something special for a change. I'm dying to see one movie with my sisters but our own schedule wouldn't jive.

I also miss my friends. It's getting hard to meet them, with all the schedules fluttering and missing each other.

I wonder what I'd do for myself for a change... It's like I have a path but I'm still hovering over it. Just step down already!

Again

I am coming home again. Even though I have psyched myself that I would be staying in Manila to assist my mom in her bar exams, and that I had to earn my living from now on - now, I have to go back, to that lazy days thinking about the letters, doing errands for my boss, so and so.

It's not exactly bad. It's just that it's hard to adjust one thing to another. In one second, you're suddenly being called back to the world of working life (the one which you bargained for, for four years in college), and you're full of uncertainties because you don't know if you can live the way you wanted to since you've been frozen for months.

And then on the next second, you're heading back, after finally regaining your journalistic sense, your sense of working, your ideas coming into full bloom as opportunities sprouted everywhere.

It's hard, but somehow I'm getting used to it. I'm not saying I liked it at all. Sudden change upsets me easily. And I don't like being caught unprepared. I hate it the most.

But the fact that I'm coming back home doesn't change anything. Just that, I can see myself lying back on my bed, getting up the next day, sitting on my mom's table, answering calls, surfing the net, and waiting the sun to set. Oh, and of course, waiting for my brothers to come home. I love my brothers. They're one of the reasons I come home to. The reasons I can uphold myself till now.

But sometimes, my tears of unworthiness seep out. Being unable to practice one's expertise is frustrating. It can kill will better than heart attack.

You know, sometimes I want to stop understanding. Of thinking of others instead of myself first. Of saying what I mean and meaning what I say without apologizing nor regretting. Maybe in that way, I can see myself clearly. But I wasn't brought up that way. I didn't bring up myself that way. Maybe that's why, I still remain an obscured essence for myself. The mirror only shows my front. I still cannot get out.

When can I free myself from this? I want to make that first step. I want to stop waiting for something to happen. I want to make things happen.

I want to see myself, understand myself, before looking at others.




Decision: I am coming home. I'll finish this six-month promise. And I will head out.

Killer Eye

Tonight is a really funny one. And naughty.

I was with my mom and dad, eating dinner in McDonalds. I just ordered our desserts and had settled myself on my chair between a wall and my dad. My mom sat across us, so I have a clear view of the queue and some people eating.

While they were busy discussing cases that appeared in bar exams, I was sipping my hot chocolate, which I have been craving for ever since I had my last McDonalds treat during our drive back in Manila

I caught sight of a guy, who was lining up on the queue. There wasn’t anything interesting at all about him. But I held my gaze between my sips. He looked normal. Pentagon face, clean haircut, with some of his mane on the top rising like grass. He was thin with pinkish white skin. Not exactly different from the rest of the people swarming in McDo. The fast food was fully packed with college students, mostly fair-skinned nursing students.

(Really, if Filipinos are spread all around the world, Koreans are all around the Philippines already. People, come back.)

The guy was wearing blue shirt and khaki shorts. He was talking with his friend, who was wearing an orange shirt and denim shorts. His friend sported a Jerry Yan-hair. I switched my eyes back to him, and then he caught my eye.

He lingered for more than a second, his lips still moving as he talked almost unconsciously to his friend, then broke eye contact.

I don’t know why, but I smiled slyly behind my cup. Aha, I thought. This is the power of the eyes. And I was suddenly giggling that I had to switch back to my parent’s conversation (which was unexpectedly funny since they were smiling and chuckling) before they start to ask why I was acting weirdly.

I keep dipping in and out of my parent’s conversation, so I didn’t exactly know what they were talking about the entire time. Just bits of it. I looked back at the guy along the queue to check if I wasn’t exactly hallucinating that a guy stared back at me, and to check if “the eye” is not an illusion.

He looked at me again as I was sipping and I didn’t move my eyes away. As quickly as he did, he gazed away. And I was thinking – aha! So I can be intimidating! J Very, very powerful senses indeed, these eyes are. Normally, it would be me who would drop the gaze. But, maybe it was the hot chocolate, I was feeling rather silly today. I like the effect I see with my just-discovered flirting ability, if I can call it one.

His friend came close to him again, maybe to change his order. He talked to his friend, and suddenly, I found his friend scanning the crowd. I stared at him. His friend gazed back at me and then dropped the gaze. As though nothing had happened, his friend pointed his order to him, and then left him alone.

And then, the guy moved to the farthest lane. I suspected it’s a deliberate move. I couldn’t almost see him. I shrugged. My stare scared him. A small smile remained on my lips as I turned back to my parent’s conversation.

(I could almost hear Papasam calling it the Hegisaurus hungry look, and Poli telling me that the guy probably thought I was going to eat him. *shake away the voices*)

And just when I thought he wouldn’t be there anymore, I looked up again, taking a sip of my hot chocolate, and then caught his eye. It appeared that we had turned at the same time and looked at each other for half a second before he dropped the gaze and started talking to the cashier.

If I could laugh, I would. I had to cover my chuckle with fits of cough. Silly, silly me. Silly, silly imagination.

As I was finishing my drink, my mom complaining that she can’t finish her chocolate sundae, I stared ahead just in time to see his friend sit on a table, two tables and around fifteen tiles away, directly facing us. The guy went to their table and started distributing the goods. I stared. Jerry Yan stared back for more than half a second this time before talking to him.

I began to shake my head. Just one look (or rather four times) and I got them talking and staring back at me. Whether they were talking about how ugly I am, or rude, or flirting in a disappointing way, I couldn’t care less.

I couldn’t help myself and laughed privately. I was a bit ditzy today. Surprisingly aggressive and coy. Surprisingly secretive and bold.

So much for my first non-verbal flirting.

Although later, I did check my reflection if I didn’t really look like an idiot tonight. I parted my hair today in half-ponytail on two sides. Not exactly beautiful enough to be a head-turner. But just a clean up-do with bangs for dramatic effect. I was just wearing my brown journalism shirt and old denim pants. As I stared, I shrugged. Nothing exactly interesting but that sly smile lingering on my lips.

Hahaha. I think I’m drunk…

Nope. I think I have a hormone that produces tipsiness because I don’t drink at all…

I think it’s the hot chocolate…

I don’t think I need alcohol to get tipsy at all…

What do you think?

Yup. Definitely the chocolate.