Push!

Two weeks in a row and health's on a toll.

Just got off on the wrong foot with luck last week. Bad luck's on a roll on my side. It started when my two wallets disappeared along with my new external hard drive with every of my video material in it, at the dying of November.

And what luck! It has my ATM card and cash card inside. Along with the budget cash, which now I have to pay for. I could not even joke about the amount.

I'm worried about the external though. It has surveillance videos we haven't used before. It's pretty important up until it expires on the time we can't follow it any longer.

Then, Mr. BL started to mess around with me during an operation. Mr. BL decided I need to have a visitor and manifested when I was on another person's car. The operatives' car. Great. Just great. It couldn't get any better when the operation was called off. There was miscommunication on our part and we had to reschedule next week. The fault was hugely pointed at me.

Great, Ms. newly-appointed SP. Great.

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How quaint though. When the tables were turned. We saw the business still on-going despite being burned. I got my operation going. I got the story. It aired just perfectly. :D

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The next week, I was all along the lines of doing follow up stories for the December and January stories, but just as I was getting busy for it on a Tuesday afternoon, I got called on to another story - all the way to Cebu.

At first, I was a bit excited. I mean, I knew Tina was airing this week for one episode. Meaning, I'll get to experience Cebu all the way. Only to find out there was a switch. Tina's airing the week after, and I have to air one story again.

The story was all about a father who butchered his own son, believing the son to be the child of another, as revenge against the mother. Turns out, the thing is just hearsay and the father is behind bars. We just had to have an expose.

So, after the company christmas party that ended twelve in the eve, I had to fly over to Cebu. I was surprised though, to find that our host, Sir Erwin, was coming with us.

It was my first time to ride an aircraft. And was all giddy about it until I realized where we were seated.

At the back seat.

Sir Erwin and his news crew was seated way up in the front.

Great. Just great.

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During the flight, I couldn't hold still, as I was craning my neck to get a glimpse of morning on other people's windows. Good thing I was good at yawning to get off pressure in my ears. Hehe.

Although there was a nagging behind my head. The thought of what would happen if I lost my baggage?

We arrived fifteen minutes earlier at Mactan Airport. Just as I was thinking of our itinerary and service, I found that my baggage was lost.

All my clothes, facial wash and cream, and especially my LAPTOP CORD was there.

I was still wearing my party clothes, since we were hurrying. Great. So four hours later, I found myself walking up on a muddy road, towards the top hill, in my long dress and elevated slippers.

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Sir Erwin offered to hand a budget for my clothes. At first I turned down that offer. It's completely embarrassing to be looked after by my host when it should be the other way around. But in the end, he did. I was totally grateful.

He even chided me about it, saying he felt like being a father like this. Hehehe.

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We spent the rest of the day shooting with Sir Erwin before he returned back to Manila. It is a surprise to know that my host knows Bisaya.

It did give me a lot of headache, since I couldn't understand a speck of what they're talking about. Just the feelings though.

Speaking of language, allowing my interviewees to say what they want in their own language wasn't completely a good idea. I did have a translator. But the translator was also lost in her own translation. It didn't work well with my itinerary.

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The next day we have to finish all the shoot to catch up on our reserved seats by 3:40 pm. Meaning, we should be there fifteen minutes before it closed.

As the day took place, I didn't realize that shooting a reenactment could be draining. What was crucial, we had to hurry for the next interview and transfer to Cebu Provincial Jail.

I was working my head double time. And my assistant camera man wasn't playing well with my patience.

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After shooting in Cebu, we realize too late that we haven't had establishing shoot in Cebu, no marks, no places to indicate that we're out of town. Too late. We had to cover one last interview in Camp Cabahug. It would take three hours to go back. And by that time, the sun would be pulling its blankets from twilight.

Despite being awarded with moved plane ticket, we were back to hurrying to 3:40 flight. It was 3:00 at that time. And we were eating lunch.

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At 4pm, we were at the airport, and we couldn't switch the tickets. We had to buy another set. But we couldn't buy the next flight since we're out of budget. Budget friendly ones are set on 11pm.

We couldn't possibly wait for that hour, since I have to pass a script the next day. So time went by, and the office cannot provide or settle the amount on their side. We could've used that time to shoot more of Cebu before turning back, right?

But no. I had to think of a reroute. We ended up buying the last flight.

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On another hand, we met a woman who was in trouble with immigration. Apparently, she had been duped by her agency into coming to Singapore for work, with connecting flight Manila-Cebu, Cebu-Singapore, using a tourist visa. Well good luck with that.

The Cebu Immigration refused to let her off the airport to Singapore, but she couldn't get back to Manila since like us, she's out of money.

Using our ID, and presenting ourselves as media, we helped her talk it out from the officers. Fortunately enough, our trouble became her grace.

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As we were waiting for the plane, my fellow co-worker confronted me with his insight. That the plane didn't lose my bag. I did. He said he couldn't remember me putting my baggage on the counter.

I said I did. After they put their equipment, I put mine in, along with them. Earlier, he said he was sorry he didn't realize my bag wasn't there. And then this.

I was a bit shaken up with that. I mean, how careless can I get to just simply leave my bag behind? How absentminded am I to run off to another place without securing my property.

I was very dumbfounded to be confronted just like that, and have my memory questioned. Honestly, I do remember putting it in. But the way a person can cross question you, it makes what happened like a flicker of imagination. Like what was supposed to be obvious was taken for granted.

I lost my confidence after that.

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Though I did have a flicker of hope. If it was the case, then my bag should still be back in Manila airport.

Which turned out to be negative.

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We pulled out of the airport, me thinking of the script, a bit saddened by the fact that I could never see my bag again. Some of my favorite shirt were there.

I was also thinking I had to ride on a taxi so that the service and crew could head straight to TV5. My place is out of the way after all, just as my crew suggested earlier.

I did try to talk it out of them, that I'd like to be taken back to my apartment, take some clothes, and write at the office. But they said they have another schedule so earlier the next day. So I was a bit sad, disappointed, but willing to make take that route.

So I was a bit happy that my driver was insistent on taking me home. I was silent all through out the journey after all. I was really ticked off with our assistant cameraman.

Glad to make it back safe and whole.

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Only to find out that bad luck was clinging on to me badly. I tripped on the stairs and was forced to drop everything.

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I was able to pass my script by 8 am at home and a few moment's rest. And by the time i was able to send the next gap, I was hurrying to Novaliches.

When I got there, I realized I had no bay for two gap-story of chopchop. And no editor.

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It was early evening when I have my own bay. Good thing, my translator was also there to guide me. Thank God for her.

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I got a new editor.

Meaning, a new editor.

Yup, a new editor whom I couldn't get comfortable with.

And sure enough, by the next morning, I wasn't satisfied with his work. So I waited for our other editor to master mine. At least with that, I can tell him how I want the story to appear.

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Fortunately, with a big turn of events, I got a second bay. So both first and second gaps were working on two bays.

I finished it off earlier than intended, earlier than my one-gapper fellow co-worker. I say that's a miracle itself.

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Now that I had work done and all, I think I am ready for a week long vacation... or so I think!

It's been a good year after all. Life's not life without bad luck.

Though I'm not counting on it to come and visit me again. Haha

Dieting is bad for your health

I am currently in the midst of squeezing every Filipino word to get my script right... if I could start one now.

Just one thing is bothering me. My stomach hurts.

I've started dieting due to the fact that being flabby makes me feel sloppy. So I started scolding myself for being too lax, too lazy, and to comfortable as how things are happening.

Not anymore.

I've decided to put up a bet with one of my officemate, swearing to my heart and soul, that I will be true to my word.

Upon winning this The Best Loser competition, three tickets to Enchanted Kingdom will fall on my palms. Plus 2k pocket money. Guess who's I'm inviting over? Haha

If I ever fail to my godforsaken plan, I am bound to buy a 5k-worth of remote control helicopter the size of a big camera, the one used for news here in our office.

However, the thing is I'm getting even more irritated. My visitor's finally come and I'm just hungry.

And nothing's pouring in my mind other than stuffing food on my stomach.

*sigh*

I will eat. Now.

The line between the learned, the ignorant, and the fool

Uniforms are mute.

Despite the unwritten belief that it speaks of a person's background - where he works, where he studies - it is without a tongue to tell you of a person's character.

And while people grow with diploma on their heads, and goals on their hearts, it seems there are things still left out in the process, things a person can learn while reaching for it.

Values that seemed to be taken for granted.

(1)

Days ago, I was riding a jeep, trying to hurry up before the people in our office could leave. Well, not that they'd leave that sooner than I expected.

I was a bit caught up and annoyed with being jammed in traffic on a Friday evening, when I realized that the jeep had stopped and a guy got in, his ear on his phone. He was talking about exams or something. He was way shorter than me, thick glasses on the bridge of his nose, wearing checkered polo, jeans, and a large backpack. He even had a dictionary pocket book-size opened on his backpack, which was on his lap.

Soon, he became silent and submerged in his pocket book. I couldn't make a jack out of it. Too dim light. And my vision had gotten a bit fuzzier than before (Nope, I'm still ruling out glasses.)

Just as my mind was to turn inward, I noticed an old lady held out her hand for her jeep fare.

"Paki-abot po..."

It was on the nerdy guy's reach. The nerd was still busy poring over his notes. Was he cramming for a late friday night exams, I would never know.

"Bayad po..."

Poor eyesight. Deaf ears. It seems the new age for society has fully-developed an illness that clearly manifests nowadays - apathy. Or I am just exaggerating. Nonetheless, I was pissed.

So I moved, and stretched far enough to take the fair and passed it along the driver. I waited for the return and promptly reached it over to the old lady.

No reaction from the cramming student.

Later, an old man got on and reached out his fare on the other side.

"Pakisuyo po, diyan lang sa may delta."

Directly across me is a two-year old kid on her mother's lap. There were three more people, burlier, much leaner people who could've taken that pay at first mention. But it was the two year old who willingly opened his little palm and passed it along. He also anticipated the change and caught the money back into his two little palms, closed it to one hand trying to handle that much in one, before passing it back to the owner.

I looked at the nerd at the corner of my eye, burrowed in his thoughts, in his academical world, in his value-ridden walls, still poring on his little dictionary.

He reminded me of who I was back then. Life ridden by studies and making the grade.

This makes me a little thankful that I've gotten out of my comfort zone. It makes me see simpler actions that in reality means much more. Trivial things that may define you better than what bigger things can.

(2)

The weather forecast predicted light shower on one Tuesday afternoon. So dutifully, I brought my umbrella in the morning. The jeep I was riding was just turning on the curve towards Trinoma Mall Terminal when the umbrella I was holding at that time, fell out into the middle of the street.

I reacted immediately. I signaled the jeep driver that I was getting down. As I whipped around to look at my umbrella, hoping it's not being rundown by drivers, I saw a van stopped in the middle of the street. An old woman, probably on her way to 50's, jumped out of the van, and hurried to where my umbrella was lying to. She picked it up.

Glad, I waved my hand. But she didn't see it. No, that's wrong. She totally IGNORED it. Because as soon as she has gotten a hold of my umbrella, she jumped back inside the van, and it drove off to nowhere, without stopping where I was.

It was really unbelievable. The MMDA who witnessed it from the beginning, was unable to react, except for a devious smile that seems to say, "Ay,, wala na. Kinuha na nila."

Clearly, there was something wrong with the way the world goes. Then again, it proves that there are some unexpected turnabouts that we can't just foresee.

Like this one time, I was on my way home. It was around the bloom of February. We have just gone from somewhere, and ended up taking the Laong Laan route to home.

I rode beside the driver. I got off at my stop, but not without a second call from him.

I removed my earphones as he motioned towards the seat next to him.

"Sa'yo ba to?" He asked, presenting me my newly bought phone. White Nokia C5 version. It seemed it had slipped from my jacket pocket. My face was instantly filled with relief and he smiled. I profusely thanked the driver before he drove off.

I guess one of the things that contribute to values is simplicity, which is kind of hard just thinking on how we are constantly bombarded with commercials saying what we need and what we want. And most of the time, the line between them just disappears.

With people who are in the position, who are in uniform, we expect something more, since they know a lot more. But time and again, it proves us wrong.

However it feels good knowing that the goodness within a person exists in the littlest of little help they can do to strangers.

Especially if it comes from the person we least expect it.

fleeting feelings during blank days...

I blow one wish to a feather.

The wind picked it up and carried my whisper.

I don't know for how long the air played with it.

Tossing and turning. Thru and fro.

But the wish still escapes my lips

To deaf ears. To my own ears. To yours.

Scrolling the list of names on my phone

Each name associated with their own character

Each memory letting me pause to consider

To strike a conversation by three in the morn

Reach out, poke them out of their dreams

Listen. Listen to the whisper.

To a wish blown to a feather.

Burnouts and Ignitions

Three weeks, and finally my hands are on my keyboard, typing without a worry in the world -- except that it's my turn to wash the undies tonight.

Oh, I miss the trivial things.

(I'll be watching CSI Season 6 and Coffee House after this! :D)

Airing for three weeks means I aired one story a week. It only means I'm toeing the line between workaholic and suicidal mode. That comprised the story of my whole month. With all the discoveries of who I am and what I can do, and who are the people around me, what kind of world I've been shielded from when I was young, and what to expect and not-expect from the people around me.

The Expected

Difficulties. Wide-ranged difficulties that really put my "diskarte" to test. To start, I'm still on the beginning mode for diskarte. But I did what I could, and everything, just everything came rushing like a truck crashing against a motorcycle swerving in and out of Mindanao Avenue, apparently drunk; everything came like a wide-ranged blackout and we were four hours away from dubbing out; everything poured like it could not wait for tomorrow.

I expected to meet wide variety of people. I expected to go to places I haven't been before. I expected to strengthen my bond with my co-workers and friends at work.

I expected to... well I guess I also hoped to be loved by someone as I love him. Not gonna happen soon I guess.

The Unexpected

I came to meet story-tellers. I met a user that almost cost me my reputation and that of my work. I experienced being helplessness despite the willingness to help. I feared for my life. I feared for my crew's lives. I feared the story will not end. I was overwhelmed by the eminent feeling of authority and power working against our agenda.

I was saddened with reality.

I came to meet people who do wrong things like they were routine. They knew it was wrong. But it has come to pass like an heirloom or tradition. Thus what was wrong has come to be right all along. I cannot fathom how they can handle ignorance as a tool to shield themselves. Because ignorance can be cured by initiative. By asking what is wrong. And by thinking what can be done to be right again.

They defend themselves like they were right. They feared the obvious consequence which they have seen a long time ago but came to forget because they became careless with their comfortability on what is wrong. And they churn their faces into misery, spouting words like they didn't knew, and that now their family would also suffer from what has happened. From what I have done.

I came to meet a user that also put my ignorance to shame. He knew something I did not. And thus used it against me. When the traps were down and the evils cornered, the result of my ignorance also got cornered. I had to do everything, catch every words of sermon, embed to mind the mistake I have done. It was painful to take everything in and not lot others receive the consequences. Especially those that weren't meant for me. But I guess I just had to be man enough to do so. Mainly because I was the root of it.

I came to meet authority at its worst case. PNP is already down as of the moment due to the hostage started by Mendoza. And everyone was trying to heal the wounds to that, to the extent that some can be defensive instead of trying to find out what's wrong. The second and third week I dealt with abuse of power that led to the death of an innocent man.

Maybe this innocent man was doing something wrong due to the place where he died. The place which was rampant with drugs. But then again, it was wrong for authority to run away when the man was seriously hurt, with or without wearing their badge or their gun.

On a lighter note, part of this unexpected incidents is my chance to write them, as I've always been dreaming to do - to write. I was officially given the key to a higher position, but still would be under training. Well good luck to that.

I still hold a doubt on my capability regarding this responsibility. Because a mistake can cost a man his life and his reputation, the company I work in, the people I've come to respect and care, and my conscience.

I don't know how long I will last with the kind of job I chose to work in right now. But I'm still working on it.

New Friends and New Foes

On the other side of the story, the people I'm working with are also evolving according to the growth of their co-workers like me. I am coming to understand the stress of my EP. Our Sr. SP-promoted-to-AP has calmed down from her terror image, trying to practice guidance rather than terrorizing underlings when we make mistakes. Which I think is much helpful and made me realize her passion for the job.

I find myself becoming confident as I openly discussed my worries to my heads about the story I am working with, no longer trying to do it myself since that is much worthless. I came to understand the meaning of teamwork and cooperation. I am happy with that.

However, some of my favorite people are becoming too lax, to the point of biting back/insulting/preferring other co-workers because they are not in terms with the current co-worker. Which is not good because each has their own personalities and characteristics that will not always coincide with one's beliefs. One can only consider as long as no one toes the line beyond business.

I hope we can correct this on time. Because the bond we've made is something that is already irrevocable. And I'd like to stay friendly with them because I like them.

Overshoot

One of my favorite people blamed me for a matter because I did not tell him the status of that case. I did not tattle tale because I respect privacy especially when it comes to relationships. I do not tell anybody that this and that is having an affair until they decide to announce it as official.

I was infuriated, as I was left to settle with the feelings he left me. I could not come myself to apologize and yet I couldn't get angry as he sported that misery face.

I was totally humiliated and angry for making me feel like I should have been his brother's keeper. I've got the world on my shoulder at that time and I was trying to live through it and he had to come up with a ridiculous idea to relieve himself of it. I am easily a sympathetic person so there was no need to dump shit. I could've said something much comforting and reasonable but you had to clump my mouth with blame. I felt like a friend who didn't care a shit about things.

Keep your shit to yourself and remember you are not your brother. His actions are not yours. You were born separately to live separately. You can only guide your brother. Your parents can only guide your brother. He will choose how to live it. That's the way lives come and go.

That's why God doesn't appear to us physically and make us redo our past. He can only guide us to where WE CHOOSE to go. He doesn't set up obstacles we can't overcome.

He made that obstacle. It's up to him to overcome it. Not you. You can't always be the deus ex machina that oversees things and, when things get complicated, you stoop down and untie the knot. That's enough.

Enough blaming. ENOUGH.

A new life is coming. So go with the flow. The consequences will come at him and not at you.

Long time...

Everyone seems so busy nowadays, huh?

And I'm not exactly the one to talk. I guess I can say I'm having fun being where I am now, being a part of a group who are striving to help people.

Tough, yeah. I, too, thought that this would be tough from the very beginning since it was never part of my plan to be where I'm now. But it's cool to think that I've been searching for this thrill way back when I started reading detective and mystery stories. It just never occurred to me that I'll be, somehow, be involved with complainants, suspects, and operatives.

I've even received comments such as, "ba't hindi ka nag-police?"

Maybe in another lifetime.

Getting matured seems like a painful process at this age. Blending is another matter. Being yourself is difficult, since you're pulled to different waves of personalities that you have to get along with. Well, for me it's 'have to' since I'm fumbling for ways to keep up with this kind of life. But I'm also wondering if it's the same process if I applied to another job less stressful than what I have now.

So far, I've progressed to being useful. Haha. Seems like a simple thing. But then, as I go on, the drive gradually grows and I found myself willing to go on overnights just to accomplish one project before I go on with others. I just hope I can keep up with the technical part so that I can swerve smoothly around that block. I don't like stop overs too much. Like others, I also want to flow to move swiftly.

And also I'm aiming to one part of my job. That's to write a script. :) haha. Well, before I get there, there seems to be much things I should discover before I can even say script. But I hope that these boxes of mistakes so huge and numerous it's impossible to think I graduated from a prestigious school, would pay off soon.

I really like accomplishing a task. I just need time. But time won't be forgiving anymore. So I'm relying on you, self, skill, and luck. :)

Past time. I've bought myself a book by Haruki Murakami. But I haven't even lift one page, for goodness sake. I miss reading without thinking I have something to do later. Bum life.

It's also hard looking for myself this past few days. I haven't even bought myself something special for a change. I'm dying to see one movie with my sisters but our own schedule wouldn't jive.

I also miss my friends. It's getting hard to meet them, with all the schedules fluttering and missing each other.

I wonder what I'd do for myself for a change... It's like I have a path but I'm still hovering over it. Just step down already!