Oh, I miss the trivial things.
(I'll be watching CSI Season 6 and Coffee House after this! :D)
Airing for three weeks means I aired one story a week. It only means I'm toeing the line between workaholic and suicidal mode. That comprised the story of my whole month. With all the discoveries of who I am and what I can do, and who are the people around me, what kind of world I've been shielded from when I was young, and what to expect and not-expect from the people around me.
The Expected
Difficulties. Wide-ranged difficulties that really put my "diskarte" to test. To start, I'm still on the beginning mode for diskarte. But I did what I could, and everything, just everything came rushing like a truck crashing against a motorcycle swerving in and out of Mindanao Avenue, apparently drunk; everything came like a wide-ranged blackout and we were four hours away from dubbing out; everything poured like it could not wait for tomorrow.
I expected to meet wide variety of people. I expected to go to places I haven't been before. I expected to strengthen my bond with my co-workers and friends at work.
I expected to... well I guess I also hoped to be loved by someone as I love him. Not gonna happen soon I guess.
The Unexpected
I came to meet story-tellers. I met a user that almost cost me my reputation and that of my work. I experienced being helplessness despite the willingness to help. I feared for my life. I feared for my crew's lives. I feared the story will not end. I was overwhelmed by the eminent feeling of authority and power working against our agenda.
I was saddened with reality.
I came to meet people who do wrong things like they were routine. They knew it was wrong. But it has come to pass like an heirloom or tradition. Thus what was wrong has come to be right all along. I cannot fathom how they can handle ignorance as a tool to shield themselves. Because ignorance can be cured by initiative. By asking what is wrong. And by thinking what can be done to be right again.
They defend themselves like they were right. They feared the obvious consequence which they have seen a long time ago but came to forget because they became careless with their comfortability on what is wrong. And they churn their faces into misery, spouting words like they didn't knew, and that now their family would also suffer from what has happened. From what I have done.
I came to meet a user that also put my ignorance to shame. He knew something I did not. And thus used it against me. When the traps were down and the evils cornered, the result of my ignorance also got cornered. I had to do everything, catch every words of sermon, embed to mind the mistake I have done. It was painful to take everything in and not lot others receive the consequences. Especially those that weren't meant for me. But I guess I just had to be man enough to do so. Mainly because I was the root of it.
I came to meet authority at its worst case. PNP is already down as of the moment due to the hostage started by Mendoza. And everyone was trying to heal the wounds to that, to the extent that some can be defensive instead of trying to find out what's wrong. The second and third week I dealt with abuse of power that led to the death of an innocent man.
Maybe this innocent man was doing something wrong due to the place where he died. The place which was rampant with drugs. But then again, it was wrong for authority to run away when the man was seriously hurt, with or without wearing their badge or their gun.
On a lighter note, part of this unexpected incidents is my chance to write them, as I've always been dreaming to do - to write. I was officially given the key to a higher position, but still would be under training. Well good luck to that.
I still hold a doubt on my capability regarding this responsibility. Because a mistake can cost a man his life and his reputation, the company I work in, the people I've come to respect and care, and my conscience.
I don't know how long I will last with the kind of job I chose to work in right now. But I'm still working on it.
New Friends and New Foes
On the other side of the story, the people I'm working with are also evolving according to the growth of their co-workers like me. I am coming to understand the stress of my EP. Our Sr. SP-promoted-to-AP has calmed down from her terror image, trying to practice guidance rather than terrorizing underlings when we make mistakes. Which I think is much helpful and made me realize her passion for the job.
I find myself becoming confident as I openly discussed my worries to my heads about the story I am working with, no longer trying to do it myself since that is much worthless. I came to understand the meaning of teamwork and cooperation. I am happy with that.
However, some of my favorite people are becoming too lax, to the point of biting back/insulting/preferring other co-workers because they are not in terms with the current co-worker. Which is not good because each has their own personalities and characteristics that will not always coincide with one's beliefs. One can only consider as long as no one toes the line beyond business.
I hope we can correct this on time. Because the bond we've made is something that is already irrevocable. And I'd like to stay friendly with them because I like them.
Overshoot
One of my favorite people blamed me for a matter because I did not tell him the status of that case. I did not tattle tale because I respect privacy especially when it comes to relationships. I do not tell anybody that this and that is having an affair until they decide to announce it as official.
I was infuriated, as I was left to settle with the feelings he left me. I could not come myself to apologize and yet I couldn't get angry as he sported that misery face.
I was totally humiliated and angry for making me feel like I should have been his brother's keeper. I've got the world on my shoulder at that time and I was trying to live through it and he had to come up with a ridiculous idea to relieve himself of it. I am easily a sympathetic person so there was no need to dump shit. I could've said something much comforting and reasonable but you had to clump my mouth with blame. I felt like a friend who didn't care a shit about things.
Keep your shit to yourself and remember you are not your brother. His actions are not yours. You were born separately to live separately. You can only guide your brother. Your parents can only guide your brother. He will choose how to live it. That's the way lives come and go.
That's why God doesn't appear to us physically and make us redo our past. He can only guide us to where WE CHOOSE to go. He doesn't set up obstacles we can't overcome.
He made that obstacle. It's up to him to overcome it. Not you. You can't always be the deus ex machina that oversees things and, when things get complicated, you stoop down and untie the knot. That's enough.
Enough blaming. ENOUGH.
A new life is coming. So go with the flow. The consequences will come at him and not at you.
