Again

I am coming home again. Even though I have psyched myself that I would be staying in Manila to assist my mom in her bar exams, and that I had to earn my living from now on - now, I have to go back, to that lazy days thinking about the letters, doing errands for my boss, so and so.

It's not exactly bad. It's just that it's hard to adjust one thing to another. In one second, you're suddenly being called back to the world of working life (the one which you bargained for, for four years in college), and you're full of uncertainties because you don't know if you can live the way you wanted to since you've been frozen for months.

And then on the next second, you're heading back, after finally regaining your journalistic sense, your sense of working, your ideas coming into full bloom as opportunities sprouted everywhere.

It's hard, but somehow I'm getting used to it. I'm not saying I liked it at all. Sudden change upsets me easily. And I don't like being caught unprepared. I hate it the most.

But the fact that I'm coming back home doesn't change anything. Just that, I can see myself lying back on my bed, getting up the next day, sitting on my mom's table, answering calls, surfing the net, and waiting the sun to set. Oh, and of course, waiting for my brothers to come home. I love my brothers. They're one of the reasons I come home to. The reasons I can uphold myself till now.

But sometimes, my tears of unworthiness seep out. Being unable to practice one's expertise is frustrating. It can kill will better than heart attack.

You know, sometimes I want to stop understanding. Of thinking of others instead of myself first. Of saying what I mean and meaning what I say without apologizing nor regretting. Maybe in that way, I can see myself clearly. But I wasn't brought up that way. I didn't bring up myself that way. Maybe that's why, I still remain an obscured essence for myself. The mirror only shows my front. I still cannot get out.

When can I free myself from this? I want to make that first step. I want to stop waiting for something to happen. I want to make things happen.

I want to see myself, understand myself, before looking at others.




Decision: I am coming home. I'll finish this six-month promise. And I will head out.