Duwag

Dear Christine,

Champions run toward their fears. And you, Christine, are a champion.

Trust me,
God

P.S. When it's not an emergency, Christine, don't make decisions based on fear. Always make decisions based on love.

Who: SP, researcher, cameraman

What: Shoot for a one story episode

When: December 1, 2011

Where: Vietnam

Why: Because they said so.

How: ???

Ok. As early as the time I heard I was going out of the country, I was in a state of shock. But I did not let anyone know about that. Or --- i think I showed it to others. That blank and unblinking stare.

Then I heard we don't have a definite story in that country, and we're supposed to look for that there. Okay. Here was when I started to panic.

Here's the reason why.

1. I don't feel deserving just yet to be entrusted a story out of the country. Yes, I am worried about my abilities may not match their expectations. Yes, I am always trying to do my best everyday while I'm here in out country. But, Yes, I am doubting myself.

But being optimistic as I am, I know I'd try to search for a way to do something about looking for a story there. I am, after all, with my researcher, who knows a lot of ways to communicate with other people. I am competitive. But the next problem is...

2. I am not comfortable with my cameraman. I have encountered a lot who has different issues, whose abilities vary, but this one is someone I would rather ignore. He can be rude and crass. He is impatient and criticizing. He is difficult to be with and I can't remain comfortable with him around. Don't get me wrong - he has a good side. But the thing is, his bad side clouds his goodness. And I find myself speechless with his reasoning. Maybe I am just a pushover or unassertive. But in cases like this, it's difficult to move around or decide something without asking for acceptance.

I myself may be an issue, I do consider that. But it still remains that with him, I don't feel like I can measure up as a team leader. I tend to stutter and mess around.

I would rather look around first for story without him and just call him up if I've found something worth the shoot. Because I always feel his presence while I'm at work. And it disturbs my focus. Like making him wait is my fault. As I've said, he is impatient. And he doesn't stay silent about that.

3. I have failed once. I went to a faraway province and almost got myself locked up in that place along with my crew because of my mistakes. I came back in our office, ready for the write up, prepared for videos and editing, only to be blocked by that single thing every journalist should know and should have: physical evidence.

After that, I lost my confidence in doing stories out of town - unless it's crime stories. I just don't feel like I can match up anyone anymore at that time. And it's haunting me this time.

And now... this.

Just because I have the right papers (passport) to shoot. Just because I am the only one left.

Yes, these are all my fears. If the people in my life only know... yes. I am one of the most coward people living in this earth!

Still.

Steady... steady... steady.

I have never said no to the person who entrusted me this.

So I'm holding on to the railings. Trusting very hard on something insubstantial. Hoping that against all odds, I can survive this story without compromising the art of telling the story.

Come. I'm taking a nosedive.

Then again, I don't mind natural or miraculous intervention.

So come.