Life is a D.

Life is not a circle.

It's shaped in the form of "D."

One moment you're there, climbing that curve to happiness, overcoming obstacles, learning a lot, taking shit out of those shitty days... and you arrive on that peak of relief, a sigh of success.

Just when you thought you've had it - you slip... No. Not a slip. You fall.

Where there should be a slide, there was a cliff. And you're falling in a 9.8 m/s² gravity without parachute or a balloon to catch you.

And all that is supposed to break your fall are too far to reach you. You don't even have the strength left to reach out and catch your own.

...

Or maybe I've used up all energies for a simple story that somebody else dismissed.

I'm sorry for being wordy. But if you would just pause and examine it, it's a script full of substance and not just shaky adjectives. Pull out one idea and it becomes unbalanced and condoning.

It's not my fault if it was squeezed to stand as one. Nope sir, it's not my decision. I am a mere writer on the sidelines of real life.

Somehow, it doesn't feel good knowing you spent most of the day of your birthday trying to piece together story, and almost sleeping it off out of exhaustion.

I'm giving you a "D".

D for being dreadful.

...

Or I'm just being overly sensitive out of exhaustion.

:(

Duwag

Dear Christine,

Champions run toward their fears. And you, Christine, are a champion.

Trust me,
God

P.S. When it's not an emergency, Christine, don't make decisions based on fear. Always make decisions based on love.

Who: SP, researcher, cameraman

What: Shoot for a one story episode

When: December 1, 2011

Where: Vietnam

Why: Because they said so.

How: ???

Ok. As early as the time I heard I was going out of the country, I was in a state of shock. But I did not let anyone know about that. Or --- i think I showed it to others. That blank and unblinking stare.

Then I heard we don't have a definite story in that country, and we're supposed to look for that there. Okay. Here was when I started to panic.

Here's the reason why.

1. I don't feel deserving just yet to be entrusted a story out of the country. Yes, I am worried about my abilities may not match their expectations. Yes, I am always trying to do my best everyday while I'm here in out country. But, Yes, I am doubting myself.

But being optimistic as I am, I know I'd try to search for a way to do something about looking for a story there. I am, after all, with my researcher, who knows a lot of ways to communicate with other people. I am competitive. But the next problem is...

2. I am not comfortable with my cameraman. I have encountered a lot who has different issues, whose abilities vary, but this one is someone I would rather ignore. He can be rude and crass. He is impatient and criticizing. He is difficult to be with and I can't remain comfortable with him around. Don't get me wrong - he has a good side. But the thing is, his bad side clouds his goodness. And I find myself speechless with his reasoning. Maybe I am just a pushover or unassertive. But in cases like this, it's difficult to move around or decide something without asking for acceptance.

I myself may be an issue, I do consider that. But it still remains that with him, I don't feel like I can measure up as a team leader. I tend to stutter and mess around.

I would rather look around first for story without him and just call him up if I've found something worth the shoot. Because I always feel his presence while I'm at work. And it disturbs my focus. Like making him wait is my fault. As I've said, he is impatient. And he doesn't stay silent about that.

3. I have failed once. I went to a faraway province and almost got myself locked up in that place along with my crew because of my mistakes. I came back in our office, ready for the write up, prepared for videos and editing, only to be blocked by that single thing every journalist should know and should have: physical evidence.

After that, I lost my confidence in doing stories out of town - unless it's crime stories. I just don't feel like I can match up anyone anymore at that time. And it's haunting me this time.

And now... this.

Just because I have the right papers (passport) to shoot. Just because I am the only one left.

Yes, these are all my fears. If the people in my life only know... yes. I am one of the most coward people living in this earth!

Still.

Steady... steady... steady.

I have never said no to the person who entrusted me this.

So I'm holding on to the railings. Trusting very hard on something insubstantial. Hoping that against all odds, I can survive this story without compromising the art of telling the story.

Come. I'm taking a nosedive.

Then again, I don't mind natural or miraculous intervention.

So come.

Breaking Free

I really have this strong urge to travel.

Apparently, the only thing stopping me is ---- you got it, myself, and the circumstances I am swimming in.

Recently, I got myself into trouble - I mean - another show. Something so similar to my mother show that now, I am at odds with it myself.

Two months ago, my senior dragged me to the new show's editing room, and personally asked me to be part of it, if only for one time. At first I was hesitant. Knowing full well the treatment they're gonna apply to it, I was shaking my head vigorously. Doing two things which has the same gravity is nearly impossible for me. Well, I didn't really like the idea of my break time getting compromised. But then she asked sincerely. I am terribly a weak woman to people who trusts me.

So I got involved, despite my other half laying out all the disadvantages it has for me. Soon, I really wanted out. My excuse? If my senior gets out first, I'm following the lead. But no sooner had I thought of it, when the day came my senior resigned. I was about to follow, but series of happenings went by, and I was asked by our head, who is also our head in my mother show, to stay in the show. I complied. This person is the one who planted trust and confidence in me. How can I ever refuse such simple request?

And thus, I am swimming in two rivers. Serving two masters. But it was complicated than it seems to be. Because these masters are not black and white. My masters are either both white or both black. I'm afraid the friction is there too, much eminent than when white and black clash.

I love my mother show, and I know full well what stories will make it more prominent in television. However, the new show comes with the same format, only this time, the stories are forced to two minutes instead of sixteen minutes that I was taught to do.

I came across good stories that are worth more than two minutes of airtime. And I've come across stories which I was forced to expand for the sake of filling sixteen minutes or more of airtime.

I've already been scolded for making two five-minuter stories for this new show, which only required me to squeeze it to two minutes. I have already dried it up to its roots in order to at least show the mainframe of the story. But apparently, it wasn't enough. I have to cut down the unnecessary among the necessary elements of the story.

For me, it was really a pain doing so, as compared to stretching a story.

Doing a novel out of a simple thought is my specialty. Slicing a story to make it fit the program's requirement is doing injustice to it.

So sometimes, when I come across a complaint, I assess it's validity before I give it to which show it would fit.

But the dilemma here is how to introduce myself. When doing shoot on this new show, I still couldn't stop myself from introducing myself from the old show to my interviewees, off cam. Or plugging my mother show. Or trying to get them as informants for my mother show. Sometimes, I feel like I'm cheating this new show. Like, I shouldn't tap the informants to my mother show, since it wasn't our own researchers who found them.

*sigh*

I'm beat. I just wish that these shows would collaborate together so that stories can be appropriated to its rightful show, and not just for the fact that we could air stories....

And thus, my thirst for travel remains strong. Four weeks nonstop took a toll on me, after all. And now, I'm encouraged to take a moment to relax. Though it feels a bit wrong, not working at all alongside my favorite people at work.

This is really bad.

I need a break far far away. And maybe, get a story there.

Pawn

Pawn

i placed my white pawn first, to try and draw you out. Your condescending knight leaped forward, refusing to break the wall. I walk on one step forward, same white pawn you feel that threatened your line. To mock, the black pawn moved two steps forward and draw a sword against mine, blocking my way to your heart. At least... you that broke the line...

Salamat 2010

Alphabetize 2010 --- L-E-A-P.

It's my leap of faith, leap of hope, leap of change...

From a very restless 2009, to an overcharged year of the tiger, I look back at everything, and I say to Him, thank you for letting me discover things about me and the world I live in....

I was able to discover a new talent when I got into voiceworx and found it very exciting to try voicing commercials, anime characters, and korean teleserye.

Push!

Two weeks in a row and health's on a toll.

Just got off on the wrong foot with luck last week. Bad luck's on a roll on my side. It started when my two wallets disappeared along with my new external hard drive with every of my video material in it, at the dying of November.

And what luck! It has my ATM card and cash card inside. Along with the budget cash, which now I have to pay for. I could not even joke about the amount.

I'm worried about the external though. It has surveillance videos we haven't used before. It's pretty important up until it expires on the time we can't follow it any longer.

Then, Mr. BL started to mess around with me during an operation. Mr. BL decided I need to have a visitor and manifested when I was on another person's car. The operatives' car. Great. Just great. It couldn't get any better when the operation was called off. There was miscommunication on our part and we had to reschedule next week. The fault was hugely pointed at me.

Great, Ms. newly-appointed SP. Great.

Rating:

How quaint though. When the tables were turned. We saw the business still on-going despite being burned. I got my operation going. I got the story. It aired just perfectly. :D

Rating:

---

The next week, I was all along the lines of doing follow up stories for the December and January stories, but just as I was getting busy for it on a Tuesday afternoon, I got called on to another story - all the way to Cebu.

At first, I was a bit excited. I mean, I knew Tina was airing this week for one episode. Meaning, I'll get to experience Cebu all the way. Only to find out there was a switch. Tina's airing the week after, and I have to air one story again.

The story was all about a father who butchered his own son, believing the son to be the child of another, as revenge against the mother. Turns out, the thing is just hearsay and the father is behind bars. We just had to have an expose.

So, after the company christmas party that ended twelve in the eve, I had to fly over to Cebu. I was surprised though, to find that our host, Sir Erwin, was coming with us.

It was my first time to ride an aircraft. And was all giddy about it until I realized where we were seated.

At the back seat.

Sir Erwin and his news crew was seated way up in the front.

Great. Just great.

Rating:

---

During the flight, I couldn't hold still, as I was craning my neck to get a glimpse of morning on other people's windows. Good thing I was good at yawning to get off pressure in my ears. Hehe.

Although there was a nagging behind my head. The thought of what would happen if I lost my baggage?

We arrived fifteen minutes earlier at Mactan Airport. Just as I was thinking of our itinerary and service, I found that my baggage was lost.

All my clothes, facial wash and cream, and especially my LAPTOP CORD was there.

I was still wearing my party clothes, since we were hurrying. Great. So four hours later, I found myself walking up on a muddy road, towards the top hill, in my long dress and elevated slippers.

Rating:

Sir Erwin offered to hand a budget for my clothes. At first I turned down that offer. It's completely embarrassing to be looked after by my host when it should be the other way around. But in the end, he did. I was totally grateful.

He even chided me about it, saying he felt like being a father like this. Hehehe.

Rating

---

We spent the rest of the day shooting with Sir Erwin before he returned back to Manila. It is a surprise to know that my host knows Bisaya.

It did give me a lot of headache, since I couldn't understand a speck of what they're talking about. Just the feelings though.

Speaking of language, allowing my interviewees to say what they want in their own language wasn't completely a good idea. I did have a translator. But the translator was also lost in her own translation. It didn't work well with my itinerary.

Rating:

---

The next day we have to finish all the shoot to catch up on our reserved seats by 3:40 pm. Meaning, we should be there fifteen minutes before it closed.

As the day took place, I didn't realize that shooting a reenactment could be draining. What was crucial, we had to hurry for the next interview and transfer to Cebu Provincial Jail.

I was working my head double time. And my assistant camera man wasn't playing well with my patience.

Rating:

---

After shooting in Cebu, we realize too late that we haven't had establishing shoot in Cebu, no marks, no places to indicate that we're out of town. Too late. We had to cover one last interview in Camp Cabahug. It would take three hours to go back. And by that time, the sun would be pulling its blankets from twilight.

Despite being awarded with moved plane ticket, we were back to hurrying to 3:40 flight. It was 3:00 at that time. And we were eating lunch.

Rating:

---

At 4pm, we were at the airport, and we couldn't switch the tickets. We had to buy another set. But we couldn't buy the next flight since we're out of budget. Budget friendly ones are set on 11pm.

We couldn't possibly wait for that hour, since I have to pass a script the next day. So time went by, and the office cannot provide or settle the amount on their side. We could've used that time to shoot more of Cebu before turning back, right?

But no. I had to think of a reroute. We ended up buying the last flight.

Rating:

On another hand, we met a woman who was in trouble with immigration. Apparently, she had been duped by her agency into coming to Singapore for work, with connecting flight Manila-Cebu, Cebu-Singapore, using a tourist visa. Well good luck with that.

The Cebu Immigration refused to let her off the airport to Singapore, but she couldn't get back to Manila since like us, she's out of money.

Using our ID, and presenting ourselves as media, we helped her talk it out from the officers. Fortunately enough, our trouble became her grace.

Rating:

---

As we were waiting for the plane, my fellow co-worker confronted me with his insight. That the plane didn't lose my bag. I did. He said he couldn't remember me putting my baggage on the counter.

I said I did. After they put their equipment, I put mine in, along with them. Earlier, he said he was sorry he didn't realize my bag wasn't there. And then this.

I was a bit shaken up with that. I mean, how careless can I get to just simply leave my bag behind? How absentminded am I to run off to another place without securing my property.

I was very dumbfounded to be confronted just like that, and have my memory questioned. Honestly, I do remember putting it in. But the way a person can cross question you, it makes what happened like a flicker of imagination. Like what was supposed to be obvious was taken for granted.

I lost my confidence after that.

Rating:

Though I did have a flicker of hope. If it was the case, then my bag should still be back in Manila airport.

Which turned out to be negative.

---

We pulled out of the airport, me thinking of the script, a bit saddened by the fact that I could never see my bag again. Some of my favorite shirt were there.

I was also thinking I had to ride on a taxi so that the service and crew could head straight to TV5. My place is out of the way after all, just as my crew suggested earlier.

I did try to talk it out of them, that I'd like to be taken back to my apartment, take some clothes, and write at the office. But they said they have another schedule so earlier the next day. So I was a bit sad, disappointed, but willing to make take that route.

So I was a bit happy that my driver was insistent on taking me home. I was silent all through out the journey after all. I was really ticked off with our assistant cameraman.

Glad to make it back safe and whole.

Rating:

Only to find out that bad luck was clinging on to me badly. I tripped on the stairs and was forced to drop everything.

Rating:

---

I was able to pass my script by 8 am at home and a few moment's rest. And by the time i was able to send the next gap, I was hurrying to Novaliches.

When I got there, I realized I had no bay for two gap-story of chopchop. And no editor.

Rating:

It was early evening when I have my own bay. Good thing, my translator was also there to guide me. Thank God for her.

Rating:

---

I got a new editor.

Meaning, a new editor.

Yup, a new editor whom I couldn't get comfortable with.

And sure enough, by the next morning, I wasn't satisfied with his work. So I waited for our other editor to master mine. At least with that, I can tell him how I want the story to appear.

Rating:

---

Fortunately, with a big turn of events, I got a second bay. So both first and second gaps were working on two bays.

I finished it off earlier than intended, earlier than my one-gapper fellow co-worker. I say that's a miracle itself.

Rating:

Now that I had work done and all, I think I am ready for a week long vacation... or so I think!

It's been a good year after all. Life's not life without bad luck.

Though I'm not counting on it to come and visit me again. Haha