Burnouts and Ignitions

Three weeks, and finally my hands are on my keyboard, typing without a worry in the world -- except that it's my turn to wash the undies tonight.

Oh, I miss the trivial things.

(I'll be watching CSI Season 6 and Coffee House after this! :D)

Airing for three weeks means I aired one story a week. It only means I'm toeing the line between workaholic and suicidal mode. That comprised the story of my whole month. With all the discoveries of who I am and what I can do, and who are the people around me, what kind of world I've been shielded from when I was young, and what to expect and not-expect from the people around me.

The Expected

Difficulties. Wide-ranged difficulties that really put my "diskarte" to test. To start, I'm still on the beginning mode for diskarte. But I did what I could, and everything, just everything came rushing like a truck crashing against a motorcycle swerving in and out of Mindanao Avenue, apparently drunk; everything came like a wide-ranged blackout and we were four hours away from dubbing out; everything poured like it could not wait for tomorrow.

I expected to meet wide variety of people. I expected to go to places I haven't been before. I expected to strengthen my bond with my co-workers and friends at work.

I expected to... well I guess I also hoped to be loved by someone as I love him. Not gonna happen soon I guess.

The Unexpected

I came to meet story-tellers. I met a user that almost cost me my reputation and that of my work. I experienced being helplessness despite the willingness to help. I feared for my life. I feared for my crew's lives. I feared the story will not end. I was overwhelmed by the eminent feeling of authority and power working against our agenda.

I was saddened with reality.

I came to meet people who do wrong things like they were routine. They knew it was wrong. But it has come to pass like an heirloom or tradition. Thus what was wrong has come to be right all along. I cannot fathom how they can handle ignorance as a tool to shield themselves. Because ignorance can be cured by initiative. By asking what is wrong. And by thinking what can be done to be right again.

They defend themselves like they were right. They feared the obvious consequence which they have seen a long time ago but came to forget because they became careless with their comfortability on what is wrong. And they churn their faces into misery, spouting words like they didn't knew, and that now their family would also suffer from what has happened. From what I have done.

I came to meet a user that also put my ignorance to shame. He knew something I did not. And thus used it against me. When the traps were down and the evils cornered, the result of my ignorance also got cornered. I had to do everything, catch every words of sermon, embed to mind the mistake I have done. It was painful to take everything in and not lot others receive the consequences. Especially those that weren't meant for me. But I guess I just had to be man enough to do so. Mainly because I was the root of it.

I came to meet authority at its worst case. PNP is already down as of the moment due to the hostage started by Mendoza. And everyone was trying to heal the wounds to that, to the extent that some can be defensive instead of trying to find out what's wrong. The second and third week I dealt with abuse of power that led to the death of an innocent man.

Maybe this innocent man was doing something wrong due to the place where he died. The place which was rampant with drugs. But then again, it was wrong for authority to run away when the man was seriously hurt, with or without wearing their badge or their gun.

On a lighter note, part of this unexpected incidents is my chance to write them, as I've always been dreaming to do - to write. I was officially given the key to a higher position, but still would be under training. Well good luck to that.

I still hold a doubt on my capability regarding this responsibility. Because a mistake can cost a man his life and his reputation, the company I work in, the people I've come to respect and care, and my conscience.

I don't know how long I will last with the kind of job I chose to work in right now. But I'm still working on it.

New Friends and New Foes

On the other side of the story, the people I'm working with are also evolving according to the growth of their co-workers like me. I am coming to understand the stress of my EP. Our Sr. SP-promoted-to-AP has calmed down from her terror image, trying to practice guidance rather than terrorizing underlings when we make mistakes. Which I think is much helpful and made me realize her passion for the job.

I find myself becoming confident as I openly discussed my worries to my heads about the story I am working with, no longer trying to do it myself since that is much worthless. I came to understand the meaning of teamwork and cooperation. I am happy with that.

However, some of my favorite people are becoming too lax, to the point of biting back/insulting/preferring other co-workers because they are not in terms with the current co-worker. Which is not good because each has their own personalities and characteristics that will not always coincide with one's beliefs. One can only consider as long as no one toes the line beyond business.

I hope we can correct this on time. Because the bond we've made is something that is already irrevocable. And I'd like to stay friendly with them because I like them.

Overshoot

One of my favorite people blamed me for a matter because I did not tell him the status of that case. I did not tattle tale because I respect privacy especially when it comes to relationships. I do not tell anybody that this and that is having an affair until they decide to announce it as official.

I was infuriated, as I was left to settle with the feelings he left me. I could not come myself to apologize and yet I couldn't get angry as he sported that misery face.

I was totally humiliated and angry for making me feel like I should have been his brother's keeper. I've got the world on my shoulder at that time and I was trying to live through it and he had to come up with a ridiculous idea to relieve himself of it. I am easily a sympathetic person so there was no need to dump shit. I could've said something much comforting and reasonable but you had to clump my mouth with blame. I felt like a friend who didn't care a shit about things.

Keep your shit to yourself and remember you are not your brother. His actions are not yours. You were born separately to live separately. You can only guide your brother. Your parents can only guide your brother. He will choose how to live it. That's the way lives come and go.

That's why God doesn't appear to us physically and make us redo our past. He can only guide us to where WE CHOOSE to go. He doesn't set up obstacles we can't overcome.

He made that obstacle. It's up to him to overcome it. Not you. You can't always be the deus ex machina that oversees things and, when things get complicated, you stoop down and untie the knot. That's enough.

Enough blaming. ENOUGH.

A new life is coming. So go with the flow. The consequences will come at him and not at you.

Long time...

Everyone seems so busy nowadays, huh?

And I'm not exactly the one to talk. I guess I can say I'm having fun being where I am now, being a part of a group who are striving to help people.

Tough, yeah. I, too, thought that this would be tough from the very beginning since it was never part of my plan to be where I'm now. But it's cool to think that I've been searching for this thrill way back when I started reading detective and mystery stories. It just never occurred to me that I'll be, somehow, be involved with complainants, suspects, and operatives.

I've even received comments such as, "ba't hindi ka nag-police?"

Maybe in another lifetime.

Getting matured seems like a painful process at this age. Blending is another matter. Being yourself is difficult, since you're pulled to different waves of personalities that you have to get along with. Well, for me it's 'have to' since I'm fumbling for ways to keep up with this kind of life. But I'm also wondering if it's the same process if I applied to another job less stressful than what I have now.

So far, I've progressed to being useful. Haha. Seems like a simple thing. But then, as I go on, the drive gradually grows and I found myself willing to go on overnights just to accomplish one project before I go on with others. I just hope I can keep up with the technical part so that I can swerve smoothly around that block. I don't like stop overs too much. Like others, I also want to flow to move swiftly.

And also I'm aiming to one part of my job. That's to write a script. :) haha. Well, before I get there, there seems to be much things I should discover before I can even say script. But I hope that these boxes of mistakes so huge and numerous it's impossible to think I graduated from a prestigious school, would pay off soon.

I really like accomplishing a task. I just need time. But time won't be forgiving anymore. So I'm relying on you, self, skill, and luck. :)

Past time. I've bought myself a book by Haruki Murakami. But I haven't even lift one page, for goodness sake. I miss reading without thinking I have something to do later. Bum life.

It's also hard looking for myself this past few days. I haven't even bought myself something special for a change. I'm dying to see one movie with my sisters but our own schedule wouldn't jive.

I also miss my friends. It's getting hard to meet them, with all the schedules fluttering and missing each other.

I wonder what I'd do for myself for a change... It's like I have a path but I'm still hovering over it. Just step down already!

Again

I am coming home again. Even though I have psyched myself that I would be staying in Manila to assist my mom in her bar exams, and that I had to earn my living from now on - now, I have to go back, to that lazy days thinking about the letters, doing errands for my boss, so and so.

It's not exactly bad. It's just that it's hard to adjust one thing to another. In one second, you're suddenly being called back to the world of working life (the one which you bargained for, for four years in college), and you're full of uncertainties because you don't know if you can live the way you wanted to since you've been frozen for months.

And then on the next second, you're heading back, after finally regaining your journalistic sense, your sense of working, your ideas coming into full bloom as opportunities sprouted everywhere.

It's hard, but somehow I'm getting used to it. I'm not saying I liked it at all. Sudden change upsets me easily. And I don't like being caught unprepared. I hate it the most.

But the fact that I'm coming back home doesn't change anything. Just that, I can see myself lying back on my bed, getting up the next day, sitting on my mom's table, answering calls, surfing the net, and waiting the sun to set. Oh, and of course, waiting for my brothers to come home. I love my brothers. They're one of the reasons I come home to. The reasons I can uphold myself till now.

But sometimes, my tears of unworthiness seep out. Being unable to practice one's expertise is frustrating. It can kill will better than heart attack.

You know, sometimes I want to stop understanding. Of thinking of others instead of myself first. Of saying what I mean and meaning what I say without apologizing nor regretting. Maybe in that way, I can see myself clearly. But I wasn't brought up that way. I didn't bring up myself that way. Maybe that's why, I still remain an obscured essence for myself. The mirror only shows my front. I still cannot get out.

When can I free myself from this? I want to make that first step. I want to stop waiting for something to happen. I want to make things happen.

I want to see myself, understand myself, before looking at others.




Decision: I am coming home. I'll finish this six-month promise. And I will head out.

Killer Eye

Tonight is a really funny one. And naughty.

I was with my mom and dad, eating dinner in McDonalds. I just ordered our desserts and had settled myself on my chair between a wall and my dad. My mom sat across us, so I have a clear view of the queue and some people eating.

While they were busy discussing cases that appeared in bar exams, I was sipping my hot chocolate, which I have been craving for ever since I had my last McDonalds treat during our drive back in Manila

I caught sight of a guy, who was lining up on the queue. There wasn’t anything interesting at all about him. But I held my gaze between my sips. He looked normal. Pentagon face, clean haircut, with some of his mane on the top rising like grass. He was thin with pinkish white skin. Not exactly different from the rest of the people swarming in McDo. The fast food was fully packed with college students, mostly fair-skinned nursing students.

(Really, if Filipinos are spread all around the world, Koreans are all around the Philippines already. People, come back.)

The guy was wearing blue shirt and khaki shorts. He was talking with his friend, who was wearing an orange shirt and denim shorts. His friend sported a Jerry Yan-hair. I switched my eyes back to him, and then he caught my eye.

He lingered for more than a second, his lips still moving as he talked almost unconsciously to his friend, then broke eye contact.

I don’t know why, but I smiled slyly behind my cup. Aha, I thought. This is the power of the eyes. And I was suddenly giggling that I had to switch back to my parent’s conversation (which was unexpectedly funny since they were smiling and chuckling) before they start to ask why I was acting weirdly.

I keep dipping in and out of my parent’s conversation, so I didn’t exactly know what they were talking about the entire time. Just bits of it. I looked back at the guy along the queue to check if I wasn’t exactly hallucinating that a guy stared back at me, and to check if “the eye” is not an illusion.

He looked at me again as I was sipping and I didn’t move my eyes away. As quickly as he did, he gazed away. And I was thinking – aha! So I can be intimidating! J Very, very powerful senses indeed, these eyes are. Normally, it would be me who would drop the gaze. But, maybe it was the hot chocolate, I was feeling rather silly today. I like the effect I see with my just-discovered flirting ability, if I can call it one.

His friend came close to him again, maybe to change his order. He talked to his friend, and suddenly, I found his friend scanning the crowd. I stared at him. His friend gazed back at me and then dropped the gaze. As though nothing had happened, his friend pointed his order to him, and then left him alone.

And then, the guy moved to the farthest lane. I suspected it’s a deliberate move. I couldn’t almost see him. I shrugged. My stare scared him. A small smile remained on my lips as I turned back to my parent’s conversation.

(I could almost hear Papasam calling it the Hegisaurus hungry look, and Poli telling me that the guy probably thought I was going to eat him. *shake away the voices*)

And just when I thought he wouldn’t be there anymore, I looked up again, taking a sip of my hot chocolate, and then caught his eye. It appeared that we had turned at the same time and looked at each other for half a second before he dropped the gaze and started talking to the cashier.

If I could laugh, I would. I had to cover my chuckle with fits of cough. Silly, silly me. Silly, silly imagination.

As I was finishing my drink, my mom complaining that she can’t finish her chocolate sundae, I stared ahead just in time to see his friend sit on a table, two tables and around fifteen tiles away, directly facing us. The guy went to their table and started distributing the goods. I stared. Jerry Yan stared back for more than half a second this time before talking to him.

I began to shake my head. Just one look (or rather four times) and I got them talking and staring back at me. Whether they were talking about how ugly I am, or rude, or flirting in a disappointing way, I couldn’t care less.

I couldn’t help myself and laughed privately. I was a bit ditzy today. Surprisingly aggressive and coy. Surprisingly secretive and bold.

So much for my first non-verbal flirting.

Although later, I did check my reflection if I didn’t really look like an idiot tonight. I parted my hair today in half-ponytail on two sides. Not exactly beautiful enough to be a head-turner. But just a clean up-do with bangs for dramatic effect. I was just wearing my brown journalism shirt and old denim pants. As I stared, I shrugged. Nothing exactly interesting but that sly smile lingering on my lips.

Hahaha. I think I’m drunk…

Nope. I think I have a hormone that produces tipsiness because I don’t drink at all…

I think it’s the hot chocolate…

I don’t think I need alcohol to get tipsy at all…

What do you think?

Yup. Definitely the chocolate.

What's Bad Before Reading A Book?

That's seeing a personified character coming on big screen.

Well, I haven't read The Time Traveler's Wife yet, and it's now in the cinemas. But, I wasn't hurt that much. Although I have wanted to read it ever since I saw it in the bookstore (i haven't heard of it), I haven't.

I was just about to read Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin. And then I was told that there's an upcoming movie for it. Out of my own curiosity, I checked it out, and realized that the upcoming movie will be made my Japanese producers, with Japanese actors and actress.

Now, I don't have anything against the Japs, because I am a fan of most of their movies, especially their mangas/anime creations, and I like their tradition and culture, and all that stuffs. I don't even have anything against Horikita Maki, because I liked the Live adaptation of Hana Kimi. (And I would also like to see her in a live adaptation of Ouran High School Host Club as Fujioka Haruhi. This character suits her best).

But knowing that Naomi in the person of Horikita, my own imagination for self-made Naomi failed. I found it difficult to picture her myself, because the actress kept getting into my brain mirror. And that being the case, I think I failed to connect with the book.

Horikita, based on how I saw her in Hana Kimi, was a bit stiff as opposed to ever-energetic Ashiya Mizuki. While she captured the emotional Ashiya, the fun part of the character was lost to Ikuta Toma who played the part of Nakatsu Shuichi.

That made Naomi a bit stiff for me too. It's a bit hard to see her kiss James and Ace at all. I guess I have a narrow imagination then.

I have to claim the fault at this.

But I guess it's really bad if you really and badly wanted to read a book and you couldn't form your own version of Naomi.

Anyway, the book was good. I'll just have to pass this irritation before I write a review. Or maybe, I'll read it again. I must have read it too fast. I started yesterday late afternoon. I finished it just after lunch today.

Yep, I think I am going to read it again. Maybe I can see why I didn't see Naomi having deeper feelings for Will.

And I will get my hands on a Japanese Movie Adaptation of the book. I want to see if I'm totally wrong about Horikita. I really love the actress, but my observation can hold limitations.

Market, Mom, and Music

Ever since dad came home, I felt dad has been bit giddy.

Giddy Dad. Giddy. Dad. These words never came together, even if there's a period between them. Dad can be silly, but not at this level. Somehow, he came home with that atmosphere. Or, I'm just excited to do the things I wanted to do - like going to my HS friend's party whom I've never met for four years, and planning for a Manila getaway this Sunday, which is now postponed.

Anyway, as always, Sunday means Market Day, besides being Church Day of course. And I've gotten into the routine to visit the market with dad. I was adamant to get meat today, because Milkfish (bangus) is not always a good lunch course. It's good to stay fit. It's unhealthy for young people who had been accustomed to meat, unless of course, the cook can whip up fish balls, which unfortunately only my mom can do. My mom is in Manila as of the moment.

Dad persisted we don't get meat today and for the rest of the week. It's part of his diet. Yep. His diet is the diet of the house. What one eats, the other eats. What one doesn't eat, the others doesn't eat. Although this rule fades more and more due to democracy. But since I am also at home - the deviant one when it comes down to food - and the substitute manager for food management, I've been buying kids' food too. Anyway, it's totally unfair for my baduds not to eat them when we had them when we were kids.

After parking his car, we wove our way into the chaotic wet market, passed by an alley of ukay-ukay and pirated DVDs, through the lot of fresh vegetables, and went straight ahead to the fish section. Well, I didn't have a choice, he was leading the way. But he really wanted to buy some sea food, I was haunting for something else. I was looking for squid.

Squid. I really liked the black-colored soup of Manang Shirley's and Mom's Adobong squid. It's just... yummy. Has rubbery texture but smoother in the mouth. Delicious.

Alas, the squid was far off, and dad, having bought the oil-in-the-butt-inducing fish (i forgot to ask its name), decided to get some tilapia. He started bargaining for them, and later, since I was still distracted, looking for some shrimps now (which I remember was just around the corner), when he started to laugh.

I tried to get the conversation he was having, but I was already lost in translation, literally. He moved on to the next. He was still laughing.

That Devil Laugh. It was a deep booming kind of laughter. Devil, but not filled with evil. Did that made some sense? It was coming from deep recesses of his diaphragm. I called it Devil laugh, because some crap dude in the media thought that the "Buhahahaha" with a big heavy tone is Devilish.

He does this when he's in a business talk with some business people, and he's pleased, or telling a business joke, which I don't usually get. Well, talk about never.

"Nako wala na tayong pera," he kept saying, with a giddy grin on his lips, teasing me as he stopped just at the poultry section. I can usually pair a frown and a stretched smile on my face. That's what I gave him. And he laughed more. It's good the market is noisy enough to hear his booming laughter. Nonetheless, I think he was successful in prevent me from looking for squid, and bought 1.5 kilo of chicken thighs. I egged him to buy 2 kilos. And he did.

We strayed to the pork section. Again, he planned to buy just 1.5 kilose. Again, I insisted for 2. That's the food manager for you.

Actually, I was just sick of eating fish for the last week lunch, while my baduds took away the goods for their own, during breakfast and lunch. Yep, yep, stingy sister. But I'm still a meat-lover, however I look at it. And I'm not mom. I still have the habit of pakikipag-agawan. It's fun until I take pity to my watermelon-sized youngest brother, who seemed unaware that he's understood my reverse psychology towards giving/taking things.

I've been trying vegetables. So far, I've gotten carrots, kangkong, some broccoli, stringed beans, malunggay, and onion stalks in to my system. But I still couldn't go for cauliflower and ampalaya, rabong, squash/pumpkin. (Honestly, I thought squash and pumpkin are one and the same, until I got into Farm Ville and Farm Town).

After taking the pork, we headed to the dried fish (fish again) section, and took more vegetables in that section. We also stopped for two dozens of eggs. All the while, dad's wrinkles were all stretched upward, as he go through the selection, muttering things like, "Nag-nginan, awan bale na madam? (Ang mahal naman, wala na tong bawas madam?)" or "Nakkkooo, wala na tayong pera."

The understanding that money was as good as slipping away anyway, and still letting it slip away.

After getting some more bananas and saba, the one which we all preferred since it can be boiled/banana-cued, we headed back.

We had a stop on the grocery too, since some bathroom/laundry supplies had ran short during his absence. I had to buy a Tang, because my brothers and I are consuming Milo too much too fast. I haven't bought any juice since Ian was eating Tang powder too. I don't know how he manage the taste though. I get disgusted whenever I see him because I can almost taste it too, just by looking at him.

It was totally stuffy in the grocery. I really hate it when this happens. Too crowded. But what can I do. Market Day goes hand in hand with Grocery Day. And CSI stood kilometers from the town proper. I suspect they're also having the same situation anyway.

After buying them, dad drove us home. I opened the radio, and Kenny Rogers was just in time to open his song with a woman. Dad mentioned this was their time (mom and dad's). Kenny Rogers (I just associate him with a food restaurant though). And he was all this giddy again, saying that time flew so fast. And he was just 20 years younger than he was too, looking at me.

"Aha! Inamin mo ring 40+ ka na!"

I loved catching my dad off-guarded. He has been denying his age (he says he's 29 forever), despite the wispy white hairs on his head, which mom takes care of with her hair-color stuffs.

What made him giddy, I'll never know I guess. Dad is bad at remembering things like this anyway. We call it selected memory. I remember we had to turn the house upside down just for his missing car keys - which was lying unperturbed in a heap of curtain, slumped on a chair by the corner of the house. And this wasn't the sole case, and will never be.

But one thing's for sure. Dad's happy when he's going to market. He likes bargaining. His Devil Laugh comes out and I'm captured with his conversation to whomever it was. But sometimes, he can become Evil Devil when it comes to beating down the price. Just sometimes. And I thought men weren't fond of shopping?

I guess too much generalization isn't helpful at all.

Dad's happy when he hears his century's music. I like some of it too, depending on the music and the mood anyway, but I'd still stick with my generation.

Fun fact: When in the mood, dad sings Elvis Presley-like, out loud, out of nowhere. He would take a pose, or pretend there's a mic. I think I might have inherited that in exaggerated measures - I don't care if I'm in the street at all. (I guess that's what you get when you watch too much Filipino movies that end up singing and dancing in the middle of the story).

Also, Dad's happiest when he talks about mom.


Dad can be unbearably grouchy, touchy, overprotective and can use that Devil tone to a frightening level. But when he's this --- GIDDY, and romantic, and energetic (after the two-hour trip to market, he played table tennis with Mark for an hour) he can be the most fun person to be with, and the easiest person to joke on.


Still. It's not good to say, "punta tayo ng Baguio," and retrieve it. *still pissed*

Delicious Movies

Raining hamburgers, hovering pancakes, tornado pasta
finding traces of happiness in following footsteps
relearning how to find oneself after mistakes
and simmering a delicacy of how life tastes.

Two movies are now up in my lists for a must-see movie this year. Though, I'm quite disappointed none of the cinemas I've checked seemed to be lining them up for the next attraction or a coming up movie.



JULIE & JULIA
Cast: Meryl Streep, Amy Adams, Stanley Tucci, Chris Messina
Director: Nora Ephron
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Adaptation
Release Date: August 7, 2009
Julie Powell (Adams) is frustrated in her work. To escape the secretarial world, she soon finds herself boarding on a journey as she launches a culinary project - cooking Julia Child's (Streep) 524 recipes in 365 days - dutifully jotted down on her blog, which soon drew the attention of the crowd. Meanwhile, the film flashes back in the 1940's in France to portray Julia's struggle to become a cook amongst the throng of proud male chefs, and ultimately write her own cook book, that eventually "changed the world." Two completely different people, two different lives, living in different time, and yet despite all this, sometimes some people are connected in more ways than one. This is definitely a munch-see for me! ^_^ Click HERE! HERE! for the trailer!

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
Director: Phil Lord, Chris Miller
Genre: Animation
Release Date: September 18, 2009
Ever since he was a child, Flint Lockwood had a knack for creating inventions which ended up unwanted due to the problems it resulted to other people. Now, during the crisis of hunger, he developed a machine that directly converts water into food. Just when everyone was giving up, multi-colored mountain-sized clouds started rolling by from the seas, and in the next second, food started to rain down. However, complications started rising when the machine developed a mind of its own. It's now up to Flint to stop the pancake invasions, pizza air force, tornado pastas, from phasing out the earth. ^_^ You should see the trailer! Click here! here! here! here! and another one!