A selfish wish

I am selfish. A very bad case, if I can say so myself.

I wish they won't go. I wish they would stay. Until I can also come as well.

I wish my work would let me off early. Easily. Quickly. So I can flutter my wings away.

I wish they'd just move the date, move the month, for a second time.

Then again, times like these don't always come. When time is free and spirit is wild.

Ah, conscience you come too soon, I'm not yet done.

Because albeit you wouldn't let these words escape me, they're the exact words my heart hums.

Wait for me. Please, wait for me.

Thus, the selfish wish escapes. My conscience hoping these arrows would be a miss.

For it knows well how others must have waited for a long time.

For that moment, when planets align. And the clock hand strikes nine.

Oh, the sun and the sea, the flocking of birds and nestling on the tree.

The hushing of rain, parting ways for that glorious day that we hoped would come.

Joining hands after a long time of separation. Giggling over some stupid fashion.

Alas, what have I become, an unmovable mountain of schedule.

Nothing else, nothing but a slave, a mule.

How I wish I'd see myself with them. Wishing hard, wishing strongly for sure.

That by the time the pictures are developed, I'd see myself grinning with the same allure.

However, by this time, at the strike of five in the morn,

I'd have to re-adjust myself, shake to reality, back to the normal life.

Have to satisfy myself for what is and not what ifs.

I am selfish. A very bad case, if I can say so myself.

I turn green. I turn purple. I turn blue.

But I really don't want your color to fade or gray away.

I know I'm selfish but so are you.

So go on, go now, don't look back. Retain composure.

Because I'll surely be hopping by, just right beside you.

Aha. A very selfish wish it is.

Good morning, Water Dragon!

I didn't sleep as much as a wink last night. I shut off my eyes and my brain whirs as if it still hadn't registered that I'm off to sleep.

Mode: Restless.

And I couldn't budge other keys other than than that...

Last Sunday, I lost my phone and lost all my contacts. It didn't register immediately that I was at loss. Calling my cellphone was really out of question. I unknowingly brought it almost drained. I looked for it with my friends at La Mesa Ecopark (imagine that WIDE). I learned that someone saw it and was looking for the owner.

So... we were looking for each other. A very sweet thought...

Hold your horses --- it was a family who was looking for me. However, despite his efforts, up until this day, my phone is still turned off. No effort has been made to open it and call some contacts. I guess, they yielded to that policy - Finders Keepers. :(

Pushing forth to a better year, I decided to buy myself a new phone and new sim card -fast. My brother, sister and I visited the mall. I found one that has features that I was usually opposed to.

Well, if we're heading to changes this year and to a hopeful future, better start adjusting to modern technologies. Baka next time, screen nalang ang mga monitor, hindi pa ko pamilyar sa mga prototypes, haha...

Switching from Nokia to Sony Ericson... sana user friendly pa rin siya at magamit nang tama in the future :D

I kept thinking it's a waste, losing my phone and all, and during my touring of my friends in Ecopark... but thinking back then, they were very supportive of me. Contacts can be reconnected. And life goes on.

To you who kept my phone, happy new year!

Today is yet another good shooting day. Hopefully things go well :) Ja ne!

Life is a D.

Life is not a circle.

It's shaped in the form of "D."

One moment you're there, climbing that curve to happiness, overcoming obstacles, learning a lot, taking shit out of those shitty days... and you arrive on that peak of relief, a sigh of success.

Just when you thought you've had it - you slip... No. Not a slip. You fall.

Where there should be a slide, there was a cliff. And you're falling in a 9.8 m/s² gravity without parachute or a balloon to catch you.

And all that is supposed to break your fall are too far to reach you. You don't even have the strength left to reach out and catch your own.

...

Or maybe I've used up all energies for a simple story that somebody else dismissed.

I'm sorry for being wordy. But if you would just pause and examine it, it's a script full of substance and not just shaky adjectives. Pull out one idea and it becomes unbalanced and condoning.

It's not my fault if it was squeezed to stand as one. Nope sir, it's not my decision. I am a mere writer on the sidelines of real life.

Somehow, it doesn't feel good knowing you spent most of the day of your birthday trying to piece together story, and almost sleeping it off out of exhaustion.

I'm giving you a "D".

D for being dreadful.

...

Or I'm just being overly sensitive out of exhaustion.

:(

Duwag

Dear Christine,

Champions run toward their fears. And you, Christine, are a champion.

Trust me,
God

P.S. When it's not an emergency, Christine, don't make decisions based on fear. Always make decisions based on love.

Who: SP, researcher, cameraman

What: Shoot for a one story episode

When: December 1, 2011

Where: Vietnam

Why: Because they said so.

How: ???

Ok. As early as the time I heard I was going out of the country, I was in a state of shock. But I did not let anyone know about that. Or --- i think I showed it to others. That blank and unblinking stare.

Then I heard we don't have a definite story in that country, and we're supposed to look for that there. Okay. Here was when I started to panic.

Here's the reason why.

1. I don't feel deserving just yet to be entrusted a story out of the country. Yes, I am worried about my abilities may not match their expectations. Yes, I am always trying to do my best everyday while I'm here in out country. But, Yes, I am doubting myself.

But being optimistic as I am, I know I'd try to search for a way to do something about looking for a story there. I am, after all, with my researcher, who knows a lot of ways to communicate with other people. I am competitive. But the next problem is...

2. I am not comfortable with my cameraman. I have encountered a lot who has different issues, whose abilities vary, but this one is someone I would rather ignore. He can be rude and crass. He is impatient and criticizing. He is difficult to be with and I can't remain comfortable with him around. Don't get me wrong - he has a good side. But the thing is, his bad side clouds his goodness. And I find myself speechless with his reasoning. Maybe I am just a pushover or unassertive. But in cases like this, it's difficult to move around or decide something without asking for acceptance.

I myself may be an issue, I do consider that. But it still remains that with him, I don't feel like I can measure up as a team leader. I tend to stutter and mess around.

I would rather look around first for story without him and just call him up if I've found something worth the shoot. Because I always feel his presence while I'm at work. And it disturbs my focus. Like making him wait is my fault. As I've said, he is impatient. And he doesn't stay silent about that.

3. I have failed once. I went to a faraway province and almost got myself locked up in that place along with my crew because of my mistakes. I came back in our office, ready for the write up, prepared for videos and editing, only to be blocked by that single thing every journalist should know and should have: physical evidence.

After that, I lost my confidence in doing stories out of town - unless it's crime stories. I just don't feel like I can match up anyone anymore at that time. And it's haunting me this time.

And now... this.

Just because I have the right papers (passport) to shoot. Just because I am the only one left.

Yes, these are all my fears. If the people in my life only know... yes. I am one of the most coward people living in this earth!

Still.

Steady... steady... steady.

I have never said no to the person who entrusted me this.

So I'm holding on to the railings. Trusting very hard on something insubstantial. Hoping that against all odds, I can survive this story without compromising the art of telling the story.

Come. I'm taking a nosedive.

Then again, I don't mind natural or miraculous intervention.

So come.

Breaking Free

I really have this strong urge to travel.

Apparently, the only thing stopping me is ---- you got it, myself, and the circumstances I am swimming in.

Recently, I got myself into trouble - I mean - another show. Something so similar to my mother show that now, I am at odds with it myself.

Two months ago, my senior dragged me to the new show's editing room, and personally asked me to be part of it, if only for one time. At first I was hesitant. Knowing full well the treatment they're gonna apply to it, I was shaking my head vigorously. Doing two things which has the same gravity is nearly impossible for me. Well, I didn't really like the idea of my break time getting compromised. But then she asked sincerely. I am terribly a weak woman to people who trusts me.

So I got involved, despite my other half laying out all the disadvantages it has for me. Soon, I really wanted out. My excuse? If my senior gets out first, I'm following the lead. But no sooner had I thought of it, when the day came my senior resigned. I was about to follow, but series of happenings went by, and I was asked by our head, who is also our head in my mother show, to stay in the show. I complied. This person is the one who planted trust and confidence in me. How can I ever refuse such simple request?

And thus, I am swimming in two rivers. Serving two masters. But it was complicated than it seems to be. Because these masters are not black and white. My masters are either both white or both black. I'm afraid the friction is there too, much eminent than when white and black clash.

I love my mother show, and I know full well what stories will make it more prominent in television. However, the new show comes with the same format, only this time, the stories are forced to two minutes instead of sixteen minutes that I was taught to do.

I came across good stories that are worth more than two minutes of airtime. And I've come across stories which I was forced to expand for the sake of filling sixteen minutes or more of airtime.

I've already been scolded for making two five-minuter stories for this new show, which only required me to squeeze it to two minutes. I have already dried it up to its roots in order to at least show the mainframe of the story. But apparently, it wasn't enough. I have to cut down the unnecessary among the necessary elements of the story.

For me, it was really a pain doing so, as compared to stretching a story.

Doing a novel out of a simple thought is my specialty. Slicing a story to make it fit the program's requirement is doing injustice to it.

So sometimes, when I come across a complaint, I assess it's validity before I give it to which show it would fit.

But the dilemma here is how to introduce myself. When doing shoot on this new show, I still couldn't stop myself from introducing myself from the old show to my interviewees, off cam. Or plugging my mother show. Or trying to get them as informants for my mother show. Sometimes, I feel like I'm cheating this new show. Like, I shouldn't tap the informants to my mother show, since it wasn't our own researchers who found them.

*sigh*

I'm beat. I just wish that these shows would collaborate together so that stories can be appropriated to its rightful show, and not just for the fact that we could air stories....

And thus, my thirst for travel remains strong. Four weeks nonstop took a toll on me, after all. And now, I'm encouraged to take a moment to relax. Though it feels a bit wrong, not working at all alongside my favorite people at work.

This is really bad.

I need a break far far away. And maybe, get a story there.

Pawn

Pawn

i placed my white pawn first, to try and draw you out. Your condescending knight leaped forward, refusing to break the wall. I walk on one step forward, same white pawn you feel that threatened your line. To mock, the black pawn moved two steps forward and draw a sword against mine, blocking my way to your heart. At least... you that broke the line...